By Sarah Sheridan
Imagine being separated from your sibling. Then being told that you aren’t allowed to know or have a relationship with that sibling. What would you feel? Maybe you would be ok with that, but most likely, chances are you would feel completely crushed and heart broken. You would have to grieve the fact that you would never know that sibling, and even if you eventually had the chance to meet that sibling you would have to grieve all the years you missed with them. I know these feelings all too well. And today I would like to share my story with you and explain the importance of fighting for sibling relationships when it comes to children who are adopted or in foster care.
I was adopted when I was 6 ½ years old through the county and my adoption was a closed adoption. I had grown up knowing who my birth siblings were and even though I never really got the chance to live in the same house with them (because they lived with their parents and I lived with a relative) I knew they were my siblings and I did get to spend time with them. One of my sisters was 10 years older than me and she and I had an unbreakable bond! When I was adopted I lost all communication with every member of my birth family. As the years went on I would express the desire to reconnect with my birth family to my adoptive parents. They would listen to me and then tell me when I turned 18 I could decide if that was something that I still wanted to do. I remember every single year on my birthday I would count how many years I had left before I turned 18. I would daydream about what it would be like when I would get to meet them again. I would constantly ask the same questions in my head over and over again. Did they ever think about me? Did they remember me? Were they sad that I left? Did they even want a relationship with me? These are just a few of the myriad of questions that would flow through my mind often on a daily basis.
Eventually I turned 18 and expressed to my parents that I wanted to reunite with my birth family. Unfortunately I was told no. I was crushed. All these years of waiting and hoping just to be told no again. Then one day when I was 18 I found a letter in my closet, curiosity got the best of me and I opened it up, just to see who it was from even though I knew it wasn’t for me. I read the first line and my heart dropped into my stomach. I literally felt like someone punched me. I gasped and quickly read the letter and realized it was from my birth sister who my heart had yearned for 12 years to have a relationship with. As I read I grew increasingly angry as I realized that this was not a new letter, this letter was written to my adoptive parents 10 years prior. After reading the letter I cried. I cried because I now knew all the answers to my questions. She DID think about me, she DID remember me, she WAS heartbroken that I was ripped away from our family, and she WAS fighting for a relationship with me. I put the letter back in the envelope and didn’t tell my parents for three more years that I had found it. During those three years I continued to ask to meet my birth family and was continually told no. I went behind my parents back and created a fake facebook account just so I could look at the pictures my sisters posted. I watched for three years through a screen as my nieces grew up, as one sister graduated highschool, and as the other graduated nursing school. I was constantly grieving the years we were losing. Then finally I had hit my breaking point, I couldn’t handle it any more. If they were not going to give me the green light and help me in the process, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands and do it on my own. I moved out at the age of 21 and in February 2016 finally reconnected with my birth family after 16 years of separation. I finally got to hug my sisters and other family members. The process of reconnecting with my birth family has not been easy. I honestly don’t think it’s ever easy. It has come with its highs and lows but one of the holes in my heart finally felt complete, even if it wasn’t the fairytale that I had pictured.
The reason I tell you my story is not to receive pity from anyone but instead to create awareness. Siblings have a deep bond and deserve to be together. They deserve to have relationships with one another. I know every child’s story is different and there isn’t a clear cut answer to all the questions. But, I urge you, if you are an adoptive parent please help your child in this process. Also know that just because they desire a relationship with their birth siblings….that doesn’t necessarily make their adoptive siblings any less. I love ALL of my siblings, I always will. Finding my birth siblings didn’t make me love my adoptive siblings any less. Please keep the lines of communication open and let them know that if they ever want or desire a relationship with their birth siblings you will help them and support them along the way. And if you are considering adoption know that this is part of it. Adoption comes with a lot of grief and loss for the child. They need your help and support. If you are not willing to help your adoptive children have relationships with safe family members, that isn’t going to stop them. They are going to find a way to have those connections. Wouldn’t you rather guide and be there for them during that emotional process or would you rather, like me, have them try to figure it all out on their own without any support. My hope and prayer is that it would be the latter!